False Profits

"That which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence. We are not asserting anything when we say there is no God. We are rejecting the unsupportable assertion that there is one." - Christopher Hitchens

There are still some great deals to be had in the cratering Trump American economy.

Did you know angels are on the market at discounted prices? Well, sort of. Man, how I wish I could afford my own angel. But like most Americans, I, too, must face the fact these are precarious times and even the ticket prices for entry to heaven are going up, and astronomically. I have not, however, checked on StubHub to see the resale value, but my suspicion is angel rentals, or maybe outright purchases, are probably double the cost being offered by Paula White-Cain, Trump’s spiritual advisor. Some of you will have to make a tough choice between Final Four basketball tickets and getting an angel assigned to you. Maybe longer term leases are available that are similar to those offered by automobile manufacturers. How do you track annual mileage, though, and what happens if you exceed the limits on miles, and sins, on your angel than the numbers specified in the terms of your lease?

Paula White might better serve as an economic advisor for Trump because she knows how to turn a buck for Jesus even during turbulent economic times. She’s put “blessings” on the market during this Passover season, though one of them is quite confusing. There are seven you can purchase simply by sending her $1000, and one of them claims God will “Cause increase for you.” Increase of what? Body Mass Index? Maybe the angel assigned to you will make sure it’s the preferred type of increase, but, hell, not even angels are likely to be able to find a way to “cause increase” in your 401k in the Trump stock market, and they’d probably get in serious trouble if they were ever caught shorting Trump. No angel wants to risk getting deported to hell, though could that be worse than living under the Trump administration?

There seems to be at least one bargain on Ms. White’s list of angels’ services. She says that the one grand you send her will prompt God to be “an enemy to your enemies.” This is appealing but I am not certain she has thought it through to a logical conclusion because her president has many enemies and they might even be willing to dip into their children’s college funds for a thousand dollars to get God to tamper with Air Force One. In fact, that seems like a deal for the ages, which history may long remember of Ms. White. Well, there is also her offer of using God to “take sickness away,” which implies a much better treatment for cancer patients than chemotherapy or radiation. Plus, health insurance premiums will go down as soon as underwriters see God is making the sick healthy. Nah, they won’t, just kidding. Insurance companies will raise prices on us sinners to make up for losses.

Religion, especially the prosperity gospel, is just too easy to ridicule; especially when the believers provide the public critics with a target-rich environment like Joel Osteen, Paula White, Creflo Dollar, Kenneth Copeland, Jesse Duplantis, and T.D. Jakes. Their aggregated private aircraft livery is likely bigger than the air defenses of several developing nations. Osteen was widely ridiculed when his Christian impulses made him keep the doors closed to his stadium church in downtown Houston even as thousands were made homeless by a hurricane. No shelter for the poor at his door. His Jesus surely didn’t want them dripping on his velvety cushions and marble floors. (A moment of great pride for me came during the time I was still on Twitter/X and Osteen blocked me for constantly pointing out his hypocrisies. Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry and Lance Armstrong also honored me in the same manner.)

None of these frauds is easier and more enjoyable to vilify than Copeland, however. He was quick to defend his fellow con artist Duplantis when he had been ridiculed for saying God told him to believe and pray for a Falcon 7X jet to spread the gospel. The jet arrived, of course, as the product of the idiots in his congregation who provided him the money as if on orders from their tin God, and every time Duplantis needs another jet, he asks God, who sends down orders to Duplantis’ dupes, and they deliver the cash, $5 dollars to millions of dollars at a time. Duplantis now serves the sweet baby Jesus with a fleet of jets. Copeland suffers not, however, and bravely endures life in a $7 million dollar mansion and a $36 million dollar Gulfstream V private jet. Cornered by a reporter for Inside Edition, he justified the purchase by revealing there were just too many demons on commercial aircraft, which, if you’ve flown lately, you might even find believable.

Christianity always offers discounts, too. If you cannot afford the $1000 that gets you a 10-inch crystal cross, the $125 level gets you token gifts and a followup question of, “Is the Holy Spirit moving you to give a very special gift?” (No, but those refried beans from last night are “moving” me in an entirely different manner.) Nothing is publicly disclosed about Ms. White’s earnings and whether she is getting paid with taxpayer dollars but she has served as Special Advisor to the Faith and Opportunity Initiative within the White House Office of Public Liaison during his administration. What exactly is meant by “faith and opportunity” has never been clarified but the above sales pitch by White seems like a fine example. She knows how to use Jesus to raise some jack. A previous Senate report revealed that her ministry used tax-exempt funds for personal expenses, including nearly $900,000 for a waterfront mansion, salaries to family members, and the purchase of a private jet. Given her association with Trump, she might as well be standing behind the Resolute Desk performing her shithead shilling.

There has never been a single element of the Trump movement that is intellectual, and the continued monetization of Christianity is nothing more than a further affirmation that his restoration to the White House is great for grifters of every discipline. As entertaining as it is to make fun of religion, there remains profound sadness in taking advantage of the poor and desperate who think they have hope by surrendering their few dollars and dreaming of divine intervention in their daily existence. They ought to, instead, support a type of government that creates policies and institutions that give its citizens a chance at a decent life while still upright and breathing.

Christianity is not alone in its monetization of faith, of course, but the Holy Roman Catholic Church very early realized there was good money to be made in the selling of “indulgences,” a practice that became particularly noxious during the Middle Ages. The church had the authority to offer indulgences to sinners to reduce their time in purgatory or forgive the sins of the souls of deceased relatives. In fact, St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome was constructed with such funds. Martin Luther put an end to the nonsense and used his 95 theses to claim that salvation could not be purchased and was only available through Jesus Christ, a mythical being still offering ephemeral hope to the frightened and desperate of our presently troubled world. Luther’s 1517 proclamations started the Protestant Reformation movement, though his religious convictions became as vile as Catholicism’s when he wrote, “On Jews and Their Lies,” and characterized them as deceitful, blasphemous, and untrustworthy. In a 1540 treatise, he called for the destruction of synagogues, the confiscation of Jewish texts, and the expulsion of Jews from Christian lands.

The current genocide totaling 45,000 Palestinians in Gaza by Israel, meanwhile, funded largely by the U.S.; added to the historic and endemic sexual abuse profligate in the modern Catholic Church, and other denominations, leads inexorably toward the inevitable conclusion of the late Christopher Hitchens - that religion is evil.

Evangelicals have, unfortunately, become a political force in this country, and they hope to take over every facet of our existence. Fictional Bible stories are slipping into taxpayer-funded school textbooks, prayer is being allowed in public schools, the Ten Commandments are showing up on the walls and grounds of government institutions, and these believers of magical thinking have great influence over the conservative right. Trump, who is fundamentally an irreligious man, has them all fooled into believing he is a believer. He has never read the Bible, or any other book, but, if asked, he’d almost certainly respond with, “Nobody knows more about God than me.” Democrats neuter any arguments they might make about the separation of church and state when people like House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries make fantastical statements claiming absurdities as fact.

"Presidents come and Presidents go,” he said. “Through it all. God is still on the throne."

Yeah, sure. Meanwhile, down here, “the least of these” are getting their asses kicked because your party offers no challenges to the right’s religious nonsense, which continues to destroy the secular hopes of real people. The existence or non-existence of God is unknowable, and human faith is not proof. Science has not a clue, and researchers willing to speak on the matter say there is no evidence to indicate a supreme being exists or created the universe or even a woman from Adam’s rib. Nonetheless, why not invest in a little spiritual insurance offered for sale by Trump’s advisor and purchase some of those “special blessings?” The video above offers the opportunity to scan a QR bar code, fill an envelope with bills and send it off via snail mail, or call a toll-free number and add the charge to your credit card. Operators are standing by.

But Jesus is still nowhere to be seen.