if Ken Burns did a Trump Documentary

What would it be like if Ken Burns were given access to the Trump 2.0 White House for a month or so? Burns, one of America's treasures, is untouchable when it comes to the documentary format. His famous "Civil War" doc alone, gives him the credibility needed to really cut through the sturm and drang of this administration and give us the truth... the deep truth about President Trump and his place in history.

TRUMP [working title] rough draft

MUSIC over TITLE - [slow, orchestral version of Ted Nugent's hit, "Wang Dang Sweet PoonTang"]
Wide shot to slow zoom of White House exterior

WHITE HOUSE BUTLER, LETTER HOME TO HIS WIFE:
Brad Pitt's voiceover, reading the letter
"Dear Margaret,
Today President Trump was sworn in at the Capitol. Oh, Margaret, it was magnificent. It was really something when Chief Justice John Roberts administered the oath, ""I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States." The president dutifully repeated the Constitutionally mandated promise, and then cheekily added, "So help me, Trump." It delighted the assembled crowd. Trump then took the Bible with the hand that had been placed upon it and autographed it for the Chief Justice. People applauded at his generous gesture.
Then the president gave his inaugural address, and Margaret, what words! He had so many words! They were here and there and everywhere, some were nouns and many were verbs, I think, and he had many adjectives. He spoke of <blah blah blah> the Greatest! <blah blah> America! <blah blah blah> Biden's failed presidency! <blah blah blah> "Chinah!" <blah> tarriffs! <blah blah> richest economy in the world! <blah> vengeance on those who betrayed us! <BLAH BLAH BLAH> deport them all! <blah> buy all the eggs you want they will be never lower <blah blah blah blah...> This went on for five hours, Margaret. Some died, others were born in the crowd. It was life full circle. As the sun set, a stage rose up with the Marine Band and Kid Rock singing Rock's iconic "American Bad Ass." The assembled, with tears in their eyes, will never forget Kid Rock belting out his patriotic message,"
[music up full]
30 pack of Stroh's, 30 pack of hoes
No Rogaine in the propane flow
The chosen one, I'm the living proof
With the gift of gab from the city of truth! -Kid Rock
I only wish you were here, dear Margaret, to witness this historic moment.

NARRATOR - (Peter Coyote)
The formal inauguration wound down as the sun set on the National Mall. and the celebrations moved indoors. Several moving vans with Florida license plates had pulled up earlier in the day and transformed the space into "Mar-a-Lago North" as many staffers started referring to it. Gilded furniture was in every room. Stewards passed out trays of chicken wings and glasses of Kirkland brand Prosecco. A line stretched out into the hall for the president's private restroom - visitors wanted selfies on the famous golden toilet. Framed photos of the new president and his 'thumbs up' pose were hung in every room, the pose was now the MAGA salute.

MICHAEL - WHITE HOUSE STEWARD (Interview)
"The place was a madhouse for a few days. Everyone wanted to be near Trump, he is sort of the King of the palace, you know? Hey, I realize he IS president, but with a different vibe. People kissing the ring, promising to cut him in on their business deals, Quid Pro Quo - that sort of thing. But these people are freakish, just not normal. Big old puffy lips on the women, dresses slit up to here and cut in front down to here, if you know what I mean. And the men are all tatted up with their shaved heads and neckbeards, wearing cargo shorts and tuxedo jackets. All of them a variation of Jake Paul, you know, the dude that beat up on Mike Tyson last week.? They all look like they wanted to get into the Navy Seals but couldn't pass the written."

JANET; WHITE HOUSE EVENT STAFF
"You know, I voted for Trump, but he has some nasty friends. He definitely brought Florida to D.C. After the party was over, the carpet looked like it came from a motel that rents by the hour - smashed cigarette butts, vape cartridges, chicken wing bones... and it sloshed from so many spilled drinks or.. I don't wanna think.
You couldn't open an office or a utility closet and not find some couple engaged in sexual congress, and I mean it was usually someone from Congress doing what Congressfold do. I'll say this much, you didn't want to inspect the place with a UV light after the party."

DOUG: WHITE HOUSE CHEF
"We welcomed President Trump back. When he's around, there's not much cooking we have to do. The back door is basically a loading dock for Uber Eats and DoorDash. I don't know what the Big Mac budget is, but it seems limitless when it comes to KFC and Mickey D's. They gonna change the Mickey's D's sign out front - you know that one that says "a billion sold?" Yeah, that's gonna be a billion just in this White House."
Now Trump say he don't drink. But my God his friends do! They run into the liquor storage like this place is the Kappa-Tappa-Keg Fraternity!"

(ANOTHER LETTER FROM THE BUTLER) Brad Pitt, reads
"It's almost Friday in our first full week with the newly elected president, Margaret. And oh what a week it's been. I thought I'd seen the first magnanimous, compassionate act of our president - an act that I was sure was a signal that things would be OK. He patiently escorted a small group of special needs adults for a tour of the White House. It was a poignant scene, as this bigger-than-life leader calmly showed them what he calls "The Round Room," (the Oval Office) to the delight of these child-like grown-ups. Some had blank expressions - gaping mouths and wide-open, dead eyes. Others grinned and hopped up and down on the furniture like excited primates. Others began shoving some of the room's decorative accents in their pockets.
But oh, Margaret, imagine my shock when I realized that this was not a compassion tour for a group of mentally compromised adults ... these morons were the president's cabinet nominees! The frightened staff hid in locked offices - a larger group of goons and sex criminals they had ne'er seen before.
As soon as they tired of breaking the furniture and rolling around on the carpet, President Trump gathered his children for a group photo. They resembled an inbred mountain hillbilly family with good teeth.
Oh, Margaret, I fear for our future as a country. Pack the Escalade and prepare the children, let's take only what is necessary. We will travel south and hide somewhere where it is safe, like El Salvadore or Venezuela.

PEDRO (White House gardener)

¡Que se joda ese puta madre! ¡Que se joda! Puede irse al infierno. ¿Yo hago todo el trabajo aquí y él quiere deportarme? Le diré que se lo meta por el culo si lo veo. Que pedazo de mierda!
(sub-titles) "I hear that he is a great and honorable man. I labor very hard for him and I'm sure he appreciates my work. I hope to meet him and I will wish him only the best!"

<This is only a preview of the script so far. You can see that Ken Burns will reveal the Trump story with his usual gravitas. It's sure to be a poignant film...the subject of the film puts Leonardo what's-his-name to shame.>

Speaking of White House comings-and-goings reminds me that the state of Trump's cabinet is in flux, with choices being made and remade every day.

As I write this, Matt Gaetz, former House member and professional babysitter, is out of consideration for the A.G. nomination. His girlfriend promises to pick him up at the airport if she passes her driving test.

Let's play a quick game to take our minds off of politics.

Did RFK say this?
Yes, or No.

A. 5G Wifi radiation can cause eczema and autism.
B. If you take the COVID-19 vaccine, you’re 21 percent more likely to die of all causes.”
C. Antidepressants are to blame for school shootings
D. Chemicals in the water supply could turn children transgender.
E. The CIA assassinated my father and uncle, and I could be next.
F. The US is responsible for Russia's invasion of Ukraine.
G. HIV doesn't cause AIDS.
H.  Mercury-containing vaccines aimed at children are "a Holocaust."
I. Fluoride is connected to arthritis, bone fractures, cancer and IQ loss.
J. Raspberry ketones, garcinia cambogia and green coffee bean extract are “magic” and a “miracle” in their ability to help people lose weight.
K. Hydroxychloroquine, chloroquine, and Ivermectin are effective treatments for Covid (instead of vaccines.)
L. Fluoridation leads to a loss of essence.

Answers: A - I Yes. J, K. Yes, and said by both RFK, Jr. and the nominee to lead the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services administrator (Medicare and Medicaid,) Dr. Oz, the talk show quack. L is a trick question, it was General Jack D. Ripper (Sterling Hayden) from the 1964 satire, "Dr. Strangelove, or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb."

As you have heard, Trump's other cabinet nominations are going as expected.

We mentioned that Gaetz pulled out early (a first for him!) After Trump painted the walls at Mar-a-Lago in a glossy Heinz Ketchup, he gave Pam Bondi, Florida’s Former A.G. the nod. She vows to rid the DOJ for all "Deep State" players or whatever. Weed out the corruption or something. It's odd since the NYT reminds us that "during Mr. Trump’s first campaign for president, (Bondi) faced questions about a $25,000 donation years earlier from Mr. Trump. She denied that the donation played any role in her office’s decision not to pursue an investigation into Trump University." Seems odd, since T.U. was later proven to be a total fraud and was shut down by class action lawsuits. The grift goes on forever and the party never ends. (Sorry, Robert Earl.)

Who else is in line, in case Bondi bales out or is found to be operating a drug cartel? (I'm not saying she is, I'm just asking questions, as Tucker Carleson might say.)

Indicted Texas A.G. Ken Paxton has been salivating over this job, no doubt thinking he was corrupt enough for it. But what about Rudy? Guiliani is waiting behind a podium in the back lot of the Four Seasons Total Landscaping Co., ready to give his acceptance speech when he gets the nomination.

To paraphrase Marlon Brando: "Rudy. He could have been a contender. Instead of a nobody. Which he is, let's face it."

Alex Jones is looking for work, and he's been finding out how the law works. Or how about Bill Cosby? He's got that whole sexual assault cred that Trump seems to prefer... it would just take a quick pardon. Plus, they say justice is blind, so...

Poor Mike "Pillow Guy" Lindell has been waiting for a phone call. So much loyalty to the Orange Man for so little return. Lindell is almost as broke as Guiliani, having just taken hundreds of thousands of dollars in emergency loans with an interest rate of 380%. "My Pillow's" popularity has dropped like Trump Media stock as customers and retailers have turned against the famed election denier. Judgments and pending lawsuits have forced Lindell to lay off employees and sell some of his property. So... he's got "Secretary of Commerce written all over him!

Wouldn't Kyle Rittenhouse be a perfect fit for Housing and Urban Development? He's been known to travel great distances to neighborhoods at risk in order to bring justice to underserved neighborhoods.

The so-called Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) led by Vice President-Elect Elon Musk and foreign-named Vivek Ramaswamy has picked up Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga. to lead a new House subcommittee that will work with them on... efficiencies. House Oversight Chairman James Comer, R-Ky. is also in on the DOGE action. (sidebar: DOGE is also the name of one of Musk's cryptocurrencies.) So we're up to four leaders for one committee... how's that for efficiency?

South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem is looking to be appointed as the secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, overseeing a sprawling federal network of 22 agencies and 260,000 employees. The administration has promised to carry out mass deportations of illegal immigrants in the country - millions of them. As a noted puppy killer, this job is right up her alley, compassion-wise. Expect her to breeze through her confirmation.

What about Lauren Boebert? This is a gal that knows how to wrap her hands around a hard situation. She can get folks excited and if something pops up, she'll get a grip on it and won't let go until the job is done. I say she is right for the Dept. of Veterans and Everyone Else's Affairs.

There are just too many to review here. We haven't looked at appropriate nominations for supporters like Kid Rock? David Duke? If Tulsi Gabbard doesn't get approved, is there another Russian asset that's rested and ready?

And finally, what about Moo Deng? The baby pygmy hippo recently born in Thailand? C'mon. She's cute! What fun to have her out on the East Lawn! Running up to greet Trump when Marine One lands. When she's grown, she can be sort of a security hippo.

Hey, you know how male hippos attract females? During the peak mating time, the male hippos pee and defecate at the same time. They use their taisl to spread the faeces and pee to the female it wants to mate with to get her attention. I am not making this up. They shoot their waste out through their flapping tails, spinning around like an airplane propeller. If a nearby female is attracted by this show of affection, she will answer by showering the male in her own feces. Is that beautiful, or what? The process can last up to three days. 

Can you think of a better metaphor for this administration?