Texas: Furry Dildo Roundup Time

But first, a Trumpumpdate

It's been another bad week in Trumplandia. The stock market continues its downward slide as investors realize that the president is indeed serious about implementing insanely high tariffs and starting an international trade war. Trump continues to insist that the country will control Greenland, going so far as to send Vice President JD 'pretty boy' Vance to strut around the ice and look as menacing as those sweet, sweet eyelashes allow him to. The administration that once promised to deport millions of undocumented workers - while focusing mainly on those immigrants charged with crimes or those who were here illegally - seems to be rounding up a lot of aliens with valid visas but who enjoyed exercising their American free speech rights or who had the wrong tattoo.

The best fun of the week was the Signal chat group where the leaders of America's Security System (The ASS Group) joined each other on an unsecured, commercially available text app and whooped it up over the plans for and execution of a bombing raid on the Iran-backed Houthi-rebels in Yemen. The use of Signal is forbidden by the Pentagon and all national security agencies while dealing with sensitive or Top Secret information. Half of Trump's cabinet was on the chat. Dumb, Dumber, and My-God-Can-People-Really-Be-This-Moronic were all having a bomb-dropping good time. And guess who else was invited to join the call? The editor of The Atlantic magazine, Jeffrey Goldberg! After he reported that he HAD been on what appeared to be a strategic, highly sensitive military communication, the entire group went to DEFCON level red - full denial mode. Sec. of Defense (SOD) Pete, "Whiskeyleaks" Hegeseth claimed that "nobody discussed war plans."

Goldberg reported, "Did too."
Hegeseth countered, "Did not."
Goldberg said, "Yes you DID."
Hegeseth said, "Did NOT." And besides, there weren't even secrets or nuthin.'"

Goldberg confirmed with the White House (!) and the rest of the Chucklefukks that nope, it was nothing like war planning 'ner nuthin'. And besides, it wasn't even a secret! Ha!

So Goldberg dropped the contents of the war planning texts. With receipts. Screenshots. The Signal invite. All of it.

And Whiskeyleaks blew a gasket. He called Goldberg “a deceitful and highly discredited, so-called journalist who’s made a profession of peddling hoaxes time and time again.” <actual quote.> Trump called him a "sleazebag." Under oath to Congress, most of the Chucklefukkers had already lied their asses off regarding the whole incident (and the receipts proved it.) It really couldn't have been worse if a Russian agent had been sitting in on the call. <Checks notes.> Oh right, Tulsi "Sleeper Cell" Gabbard WAS on the call.

Wait! I was NOT going to dwell on national politics this week, but Lord these zany, screwball comedies always make me laugh. I was going to report on all the adventures of our own, wacky Texas politicians, and their attempt to out-Trump the Trump.

No More Fabulous Furry Fun

The Forbidding Unlawful Representation of Roleplaying in Education, or FURRIES Act, prohibits school students from engaging in "any non-human behavior," including presenting themselves as anything other than a human. And no, again, I'm not making this goofy idiocy up.

The Dallas Express reported that Texas State Representative Stan Gerdes, wrote, “I can’t believe we have to do this." (You don't, Stan. Seriously. Get a leash and take yourself out for a long walk.) "But we cannot allow these types of role-playing distractions to affect our students who are trying to learn, or our teachers and administrators who are trying to teach." To absolutely no one's surprise, Gov. "Hot Wheels" Abbott backed him up. Speaking to a group of Baptist ministers, he falsely claimed that “Kids in two rural school district settings go to school dressed up as cats with litter boxes in their classrooms." This Trump Muppet would say anything if he thought he could scare a few more people into abandoning public education and voting for private school coupons for the wealthy. “...if you have a child in a public school, you have one expectation, your child is going to be learning the fundamentals of education, like reading, writing, math and science. If they're being distracted by furries, those parents have a right to move their child to the school of their choice."

Th F.U.R.R.I.E.S. Act would codify rules against students "barking, hissing, licking or meowing in schools." This "non-human behavior" cited in the bill would ban students from wearing tails, leashes, animal-like ears, or fur. Thank God a special exception was carved out for Halloween or other approved holidays where costumes are expected. School mascots are also exempted. Is that fair? You know how pervy those mascots can be.

I think we can all agree, it's about damn time we threw those damn koala bears and squirrels out of the schoolhouse! Educators who fail to enforce the law could face fines, with penalties starting at $10,000. Students who flout this important ordinance could find themselves suspended, expelled, or placed in a juvenile justice alternative education program.

Can you imagine the conversations at those "juvenile justice institutions?
"Hey man, what are you in for?"
"I dropped a couple M-80 firecrackers in the locker room toilet, blew out a whole sewer pipe. Then I punched the coach after gym class when he tried to take me in. What did you do?"
"Popped a squat in the litterbox in 4th period Algebra when I was dressed in my chipmunk outfit."

They're just trying to protect our kids. What if the Haitians showed up and started eating our cats and dogs again? And the kids were dressed up as cats and dogs? You didn't think of that, did you? DID YOU???

The conspiracy theory that "furries" were taking over classrooms started back in the early 2000s, and really took off when a few districts installed unisex bathrooms for trans or non-binary students. It was a pushback against the strength of a growing acceptance of the LGBT movement. Then in 2023, several states were looking into giving students access to products for menstrual periods. Former NFL head coach, Tony Dungy of the Indianapolis Colts tweeted (in sarcasm? Did he believe it?) "That’s nothing. Some school districts are putting litter boxes in school bathrooms for students who identify as cats. Very important to address every student’s needs.” That was all the clear-cut non-evidence that a good Christian like Greg Abbott needed to bear false witness.

Oh. Almost forgot. No licking oneself for grooming, either. (Seriously. It's in the bill.) We're watching you, Dan Patrick and Ken Paxton.

Hide the Dildos, Mama! The Paxtons are Coming! So to Speak.

Speaking of licking Ken Paxton, Texas State Senator Angela Paxton, yes, THAT Angela Paxton, introduced a bill that would require age verification for the sale of "obscene devices" bought online. This is similar to legislation which demands age verification before online porn can be viewed or downloaded. SB 3003 puts the responsibility on retailers to verify a buyer's age.

If anyone should have sympathy with women in need of battery-powered man-parts, one would think that Angela Paxton would be running a sex toy pop-up shop in the Capitol Rotunda. Her impeached husband, grifter Ken Paxton, is often considered to be the most corrupt Attorney General in Texas's history. Still, Angela stands by her man. As did his paid-for mistress who was on the witness list at Kenny's impeachment trial (she ended up not testifying.) Yeah, he's Republican at the root level, so to speak.

You might not have known that it's already illegal to own "six or more obscene devices" in By-God Texas, according to Texas Penal Code Section 43.23. What's an "obscene device"? According to Texas Penis Code, ooops, Penal Code Section 43.21, "obscene device" means "a device including a dildo or artificial vagina, designed or marketed as used primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs."

What was that Committee Hearing like?

(Committee Chairman) "No one needs more than one of these obscenities in their home. They should be outlawed!"
(Female Senator #1) "I don't think the 53 female House members and 8 lady Senators would agree with you, you old coot. Does yours even function anymore?"
(Committee Chairman) "I don't own one of these silicone shafts!"
(Female Senator #1) "I wasn't talking about the fake ones, Mr. Chairman. I'm talking about your original equipment... you'd need a diesel truck battery to jump-start that old thing."
(Female Senator #2) "Well let's allow 7. One for every day of the week. Should make for some variety... some C-cells, some D cells..."
(Female Senator #3) "Oh, I like that D-celled model... what is it? The Wonder Weenie?"
(Committee Chairman) "I will not bring to the floor a bill with 7 love gadgets! You can't count Sunday! That's the Sabbath for God's sake!"
(Chorus of female committee members) "Alright Senator, then let's make it six."

But wait, there's MORE! If you vote today, you don't just get one new SuperStupid Dildo law... You can have TWO new, absurd, Puritanical laws on the books, (remember, there's a 6 item purchase limit!)

House Bill 1549, was introduced by Republican state Rep. Hillary Hickman. It would ban retailers from selling "obscene devices" unless they are sexually oriented businesses. This would prohibit major retailers like Target, CVS, Walgreens, and Walmart, from dildo dealing and only allow "sexually oriented" businesses to engage in the illicit fake genitalia trade. (Was this a big problem?)

To paraphrase Robin Williams' character Adrian Cronauer in "Good Morning Vietnam," "Oh Angela, you are in more dire need of a Fantasitc Plastic Penis Pleezer than any white girl in history."

‘You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history.’ - Good Morning, Vietnam

Adrian Cronauer: [to Sergeant Major Dickerson] You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history.

Clip.Cafe

The Texas Taliban keeps flexing its muscle. Not THAT muscle, obviously. So many serious problems in our state: unvaccinated kids, children (and adults) dying from gun violence, crashing school budgets, the shuttering of urban health clinics and rural hospitals, climate change, the absence of abortion services, or for that matter, any dependable reproductive healthcare. And now, the TX Taliban wants to take away one of the few things that makes you happy: Lady Pleasers, Mr. Wiggles, Randy Rabbits, Happy Vibes, and Wonder Willies.

It almost makes you want to grab a handful of edibles.
Stop! Right! There! They're coming for those, too!

THC Will Get You TDC

The ever-reliable Lt. Gov. Dan "The Puritan" Patrick realized that a million people were dealing with trauma, pain, and the blues by using recently legalized CBD and THC products.

In 2019 the Texas Lege passed a farm bill allowing hemp sales and low-level CBD and sales of THC products derived from processing hemp. In that short period of time, the cannabinoids business in Texas alone has grown into an 8 billion dollar-a-year industry. That's a taxable 8 billion dollars. And it's not just that corner CBD oil store on the corner - on EVERY corner, it seems. Farms sprouted up to grow the hemp. Smoke shops and convenience stores are obvious retail outlets. But hemp-derived processed extracts have made their way into mixed drinks at bars, coffee in coffee shops, and sodas in the refrigerator case inside gas stations. There are oils, tinctures, creams, gummies, brownies, cookies, fruit drinks, candies, teas and other consumables sold in liquor stores, movie theaters, golf courses. and restaurants... several HEB stores carry cannabinoids! Over-the-counter sales also occur at beauty stores, gyms, spas, and wellness centers (lotions and creams can contain CBD or THC.)

One of the biggest markets for Delta-8, (a particular classification of processed THC,) is veterans' groups. They seek Delta-8 for pain therapy, anxiety relief, and PTSD treatment. Customers of all ages insist that cannabinoids help with inflammation, insomnia, and depression. Any CBD/THC dispensary will tell you about their regular vet customers who are dependent on their edibles. Inside most VFW halls you can find vending machines with an assortment of edibles.

Puritan Patrick and a contingent of the righteous Republicans would like to shut it all down. All of it. In search of some kind of "gotcha" photo op, Patrick recently visited a dispensary in Austin, The Happy Cactus Apothecary. After introducing himself, a store employee asked to see his ID. He reminded her who he was, and she replied that she would still need to see his ID. Looking for his press op moment, Patrick kept after the employee. From the Houston Chronicle:

 The co-owner of the shop, Todd Harris explained that the store’s products are carefully regulated, with doses capped at 50 mg per serving. He emphasized that The Happy Cactus Apothecary strives to be educational in its sales approach and to elevate the cannabis industry... Harris said Patrick attempted to double down on claims that kids were likely coming into the store "all the time." However, the shop co-owner pushed back on his accusations, saying employees were very cautious about selling to kids.

I will be the first to say that there are some reasons to be concerned and cautious with this industry and its explosive growth. Like the tobacco industry marketing cigarettes to kids using a cartoon camel, it is easy to tempt kids to eat candy infused with cannabinoids. "Just a spoonful of sugar makes THC, go down..." The bills that were passed (that loosened restrictions on hemp production) were written at a time when only mild hemp derivatives were being extracted. While the quantities were set, no one realized how quickly the industry would produce much stronger potencies and variations of cannabinoids.

Curiosity and the desire to knock down a few joint aches and pains, (and to play guinea pig for other members of the family looking for arthritis relief,) I bought some variations of CBD and THC ingestibles. Folks, I'm here to tell you that this is not the dry bag full of harsh ditch week that your college roommate sold you for ten bucks an ounce. This stuff is Willie Nelson strength. A high-dose Delta-9 edible is to an 80s/90s joint what Oxycontin is to Advil. It's a Lost Weekend at Cheech and Chong's place high. Not all of it is, of course - there are endless variations and potencies. And I want to be clear that it's true, most customers are like those veterans... middle-aged or older folks seeking some pain relief, help with anxiety, or just a little something to take the edge off. You DO read today's headlines, don't you? Err'body needs a little sumpin' sumpin'.

Retailers admit that it's the wild, wild west out there. Most would be happy for better, (and clearer) regulations. There are not even clear age restrictions on the books. They say that more and better testing would be welcome. But testing for the wide variety of products is difficult and expensive.

Most shops, like the Happy Cactus, are pretty serious about staying in business. They don't want to be shut down, so they try to stay in compliance as much as they can. There are certainly bad actors, and product suppliers in this industry can be pretty sloppy in strength and dosage control.

Patrick's answer is to slam the door and shut them all down. Closing that many stores will affect thousands of small business entrepreneurs... farmers, processors, and retailers. There are over 8,000 stand-alone stores. The Texas Department of State Health Services has four inspectors to cover those stores... that means maybe once every five years. Patrick's nuclear option will put a dent in a good tax revenue source. It will leave millions without an easy over-the-counter pain and anxiety reliever. Many will return to a completely unregulated and unsafe black market, relying on street drugs and drug dealers. Couldn't they just hire a few more inspectors?

I remember a comedian, probably in the 80s or early 90s talking about the rise in street crime and violence because of crack cocaine and other super addictive drugs. Pot was illegal, and kids were being busted for selling and using weed as if it was heroin. The comedian noted the fear of violent and crazy crackheads. "You want all that violent crime to go away? <beat> Then give us back our weed."

Yeah. And leave the dildos alone.