the girlfriend rule

I hate the axioms that executives often spout as fundamental for career success. They preach about mandatory rules or virtuous behaviors that lead to reserved parking spaces and banker's hours. Some brag about their ability to spot character flaws on the flimsiest of evidence. These bits of wisdom are almost comical. All are delivered with the confidence of a preacher offering salvation. Their influence is often as effective as hanging a "Soar With The Eagles" motivational poster in the breakroom.

"I take recruits out for lunch. If they salt their food before tasting it, I know that they are impetuous. They act spontaneously and without proper analysis. I have no use for them." This was a P&G regional executive confiding in a young recruit that he had taken under his wing, a friend of mine. We both initially agreed that this was pretty clever, a keen way to gain insight into someone's career potential. Unless someone just likes salty fries. Right? I mean, you blow the prospect of a successful corporate career because you ordered a Margarita with a salted rim?

A General Manager of a TV station that I worked at believed, deeply, that a clean desk was evidence of an organized mind. A messy desk was testament to chaotic and unproductive work habits. 90% of staying in his good graces was a tidy workstation. It was easy for mediocre (or worse) managers to thrive by simply keeping their desks clear. Our top engineer was a packrat whose desktop resembled a Calcutta landfill. A genius who worked tirelessly to fix equipment, write software, and design tech systems - there were always open manuals and gear brochures strewn about his office. The GM wanted him fired, it pained him to walk by this messy room where actual work was being done. The chief spent a lot of time convincing the GM that we would undoubtedly be off the air if we lost this talented guy who was doing the work of 3 or 4. And speaking of the chief, his desk was clean enough to perform surgery on. Completely incompetent, of course, but you know, organized! Chief finally humiliated the GM one day at a conference - a terrible presentation along with some embarrassing conversation - and he was thrown into the airlock, never to be heard from again.

But there are a couple rules that, for me, have stood the test of time. These rules keep coming into my mind when I wonder about the character of some of our red-hatted neighbors.

Most people know the first rule by now, or they should: "The Waiter Rule." Roughly stated, However your date treats the waiter is how you will be treated in 6 months or so. I've never seen it fail. This seems derived from the quote, "Character is how you treat others who can do nothing for you." That one has been attributed to everyone from MLK to Goethe to Samuel Johnson. Even Dear Abby was known for promoting that one. Quote Investigator suggests that it may have come from magazine publisher Malcolm Forbes in the early 70s. I suppose you could also read it as a loose interpretation of Mathew 25:40 in Christian scripture - Christ's admonition, "... Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."

Sorry, didn't mean to whip a little religion on you. Let's get back to the bar.

Your date - maybe someone you've just met or maybe you two have been going out for a while. Does he get pissy when the service is slow, even though it's a crowded place and it's obvious that we're still in a post-pandemic, understaffed world? Does she dress down the waitress for forgetting that she ordered a glass of wine? Do you notice that he raises his voice and condescendingly addresses the bartender when the soda is a bit flat? That's you. You're that waiter, waitress, or bartender. If the relationship lasts, that's you in several months. Imagine that tone of voice being used on you when you run a little late due to traffic. Think about how that kind of disrespect would make you feel if you forgot to bring <whatever> on the weekend trip? Do you think that you're different from that exhausted waiter? Do you believe that the object of his/her scorn was just some dumb old food server? You better run.

The other dictum that I have for you is one of my own. (Well, that's a sentence that I'll let you play with, so to speak.) I call it The Girlfriend Rule™ - It's a way to judge a potential relationship. How does your tribe react when you bring along a new date to a group outing? More importantly, does she seem to fit in, is she comfortable in a social setting with a group of folks whom you know and who know you? Is it easy for your group to accept her? I grant you that this one is really loaded, and may take a while for you to sort out. It's also a rule full of caveats and exceptions, but as a general rule, it works.

Sure, opposites sometimes attract. Lots of couples are half introvert/half extrovert. Science majors date and marry humanity majors. Rich boys sometimes marry poor girls, and to a slightly lesser extent, poor boys sometimes marry rich girls. It would, in fact, be pretty boring (and maybe a little twisted) to be in a relationship with someone exactly like yourself. At the heart of the girlfriend rule is this: does this person share some core values and character traits that are somewhat similar to the people who you are close to, who you are already in relation with? A new "date" being thrown in with the wolves that are your running buddies is a real minefield and a test, no doubt. But what a good time to see how s/he handles themselves under pressure? And how easily and quickly they fit in (or don't.) Is there pleasant conversation? Laughter? Shared experiences? More laughter? If nothing else, is there an obvious effort (on both sides!) to engage with each other?

Signs that it might not work out:
• Everyone in your tribe orders burgers, wings, and salads. Your Karen wrinkles her nose and tells you that this is usually her sushi night, and that's what she was hoping for.
• The group raises their first glass of beer in a toast to each other, and Madison there nearly spits hers out..."Ew. This is so bad. Don't they have a wine list?" You're at a local brewery.
• The gang is going 'round the table sharing favorite movies that they've seen recently, and your boy Blake just shrugs and says that there haven't really been any good movies since Steven Seagal moved to Russia. When met with blank stares, he says that Die Hard was OK, but that it seems unfair that they only show it at Christmas.
• Your gal Skylar asks the group if they have any vape cartridges on them, and in what flavors. She prefers kiwi-mint.
• You realize that the date that you thought you knew pretty well is quite involved in a discussion concerning the dead whale that he found on the beach and how he took a chainsaw to it so that he could take parts of it home to consume. "Does anyone want some Orca jerky?" One of your friends runs to the lady's room.
• The cute and sexy babe that you drove here begins to explain that your friend's cough is "no doubt" related to the fact that people are still "shedding" the Covid vaccine. She warns that your friend's fertility could be affected and promises to hook her up with some hydroxychloroquine.

All of these girlfriend-rule fails result in your friends looking quizzically at you, though some less quizzically, and more "What are you thinkingly?" (Although I refer to it as the girlfriend rule, you have observed by now that the rule is applicable to any dating gender combination.) In your defense, if there's physical attraction involved, you're not thinking clearly with the big brain. You are in love or in lust, so you are thinkingly impaired. This is why it's important to listen to your pack. And when they pull you aside after the third time your date jumps up on the bar to drunkenly belt out showtunes to the crowd, you should listen.

"Hey Bubba, your date just let the table know about the butterfly-shaped birthmark on your private parts."

Yeah, Scooter, it's time to re-evaluate.

The world is full of couples whose friends and families "don't understand us." Countless relationships seem impossible. Yours will probably be one of those improbable success stories... years from now you can go back and brag about your forever-happy relationship.
Right, Papillon.

"Gee Chris, when did this turn into a dating advice column?"

Hold on there, Ann Landers.

The Waiter Rule and Girlfriend Rule™ are instructive beyond your love life. They help when you need to get a sense of job applicants, business partners, and new acquaintances. They are also useful in evaluating the people you've been a part of for a long time. Since the country has become more divided, the people that we think we know, we may not know all that well anymore.

During Covid, courageous and exhausted service people quite literally put their lives on the line to keep the country breathing, even if it was on a ventilator. There were government-imposed lockdowns, stay-at-home orders, and travel limitations. Medical personnel, municipal workers, grocery store clerks, first responders, food bank volunteers, and later, teachers all worked their butts off, only to be the target of constant harassment. There were sporadic efforts to "celebrate" workers who kept communities limping along. Banging pots and pans. Applause for health care workers. Cards and social media videos that were offered in thanks. And that old standby, gratitude pizza. Most of this was done in lieu of a raise or hazard pay.

Getting through the pandemic, civility suffered a breakdown. For every 'attaboy' offered to stressed employees, there was as much if not a lot more animosity, even downright malice shown to these workers from the public. And you'll never guess who the majority of these antagonistic customers were. Since Trump constantly treated the pandemic as "fake" and a big "hoax," and he refused to issue a full-throated endorsement for vaccines (even though he authorized and funded a fast-track for their development,) his followers saw all restrictions, shortages, and inconvenience related to Covid as an affront to them personally and their great leader. They took out their anger on workers enforcing masking rules, social distancing, and even the ones caring for them or their stricken loved ones.

This incivility has outlasted the pandemic and recovery. Formerly well-mannered people have become tough customers. I've noticed that a select few family members or friends are part of this group. They have become more coarse, and it is not unusual for them to treat the waiter with disdain. It's both heart breaking and intolerable. They have gone to the Dark Side. Is that your friend over there, demanding to "see a manager?"

And what about the girlfriend rule™? Use it as a barometer to check how particular friends and acquaintances of yours fit (or no longer fit) comfortably among the tribe that they were once an integral part of. It seems to be one of the harshest realities to accept in this newly divided country - the people that you (thought you) knew, loved, and shared multiple bonds with, now seemingly have discarded the values that bound you together. You grew up together. Maybe you put in twenty or thirty years at the office together. You socialized, vacationed, served as best man at the wedding, went to their kids' birthday parties... and now they seem as foreign to you as that gum-smacking, trash-mouthed, Jägermeister swilling, laughs-too-loud girl that you dated that one time... until your friends shook their heads in disbelief, wondering what the hell you had in common with her. Your old pal, who rolled his eyes with the group at your terrible judgment, is now the outlier, the misfit, the one that gets the eye rolls.

"What were you thinking?" your buddy said of your being seduced by some shallow, irresponsible, faithless woman.
And now you're asking him, "What are you thinking?" Being seduced by some shallow, irresponsible, trash-talking, faithless presidential candidate.

The same friend that was apoplectic that Bill Clinton did the nasty with a (consenting, adult) intern in the Oval Office, makes excuses for Trump's cheating on 3 wives, including paying a 160K hooker with campaign money. The same friend that went berserk when Obama wore a tan "dishonoring" the office of president, seems to look the other way when the Mango Mussolini cozies up to dictators, praises Hitler and his generals, and believes he has the right to sic the military on political enemies. Your friend was apoplectic when Obama returned the salute of the Marines on the Marine One helicopter while balancing a cup of coffee...he called it a "Latte Salute" that dishonored the military. He must have forgotten that General Bone Spurs has referred to service members that were killed in action as "suckers" and "losers" and expressed disdain for prisoners of war - preferring those that "weren't captured."

This list of embarrassments goes on forever. When he was still in office, it was daily shameful behavior, the constant break with protocol and tradition, the grift, and the steady stream of insults. Still your friend defends him - suggests that the "Deep State" is out to get him and that the media is full of "fake news" and is in fact "the enemy of the people." All of this pales in comparison, of course, to Big Don's attempt to lead a coup d'état on January 6th, when he directed his followers to storm the Capitol and "stop the steal," (stop the vote certification.)

"It was nothing more than tourists and protestors," your friend mimics the former president. "A day of love" when "nothing was done wrong."

You loved that girl back then. Or at least you had some lovin' good times with that girl. She made you crazy. You put up with a lot of grief that your social pack laid on you about you lying on her. You explained away her ill manners, her inability to hold her liquor, and the way she was able to effortlessly insult your besties with a snide comment or a rude "joke." Your pals were patient with you. A couple of them were direct with you, and a couple of them just smiled and nodded and said, "No, really. She's great. We like her."

And on the day that you found out that she was sleeping with an old boyfriend, for, you know, the entire time she was dating you, they all took you back. Some expressed sympathy, "Hey, it happens." Some were comfortable enough to joke around with you, "She said it wasn't a BIG butterfly!" And some, probably me, said, "Yeah, I effin' told you so."

Will we ever be able to come back together and kid around over our friends' unceasing support for this dictator wannabe? After the Combover Caligula has vilified and threatened to lock up his political enemies, (you know - us,) can we forgive those who cheered these notions? And finally, can someone who felt comfortable with the idea of tearing down our Democracy return to the fold?

You probably don't see that old girlfriend anymore. Maybe peek at her social media account once in a while (Is she still crazy? Nutso? Um, as sexy as you remember?.. but I digress.) Regardless, you're not going to ask her out and bring her on that trip to the Hill Country that you have planned with your old friends. (Probably would wreck your marriage, no?) Similarly, reconciliation with the full-throated MAGA nation, and maybe our old friend will take some time, if it's even possible.

Is there a way we could just get those two together?

Oh, don't forget to tip your waitress.