The Quimby Court of the Mango King

"What a f**king quimby!" my buddy railed when we got out of class. "Have you ever seen such a suckup? And now we're going to have to take a letter grade cut if the project isn't finished by Monday."
"What is a 'quimby'?" I wanted to know, having never heard of that particular insult.
He looked at me, almost not believing I'd never heard of it. "Well, a quimby was a member of the king's court in medieval times that followed the king around and sniffed up all of his farts so that no one else had to smell them."
I fell out, laughing.
"No. No way."
"Oh yeah, look it up."

There was no way to 'look it up' of course. The internet was a couple of decades away. And sit all day in the library trying to find a reference for "quimbies"? I don't think so. We had beer to drink.
But for months afterward, the term "quimby" came in handy. And it was a useful descriptor, no?

(And of course, if you DO an internet search today, there are dozens of references to 'quimby,' none of them have much to do with farts.)

I've been thinking about it all week. From the Mango King's first cabinet meeting several days ago, to his open meeting with Ukraine President Zelinsky in the Oval this last week, to his State of the Union Address a couple of days ago, the court of quimbies showed up in force.

I suppose most gasbag monarchs require but one quimby in the court, but King "I-have-more-gas-than-anyone,-anyone!-Beautiful-gas" Trump requires a castle of quims.

At the first official Royal Assembly of the Cabinet of Quims, there seemed to be some confusion as to who the Poot in Chief was. Foreign Prince Elon of Muskotania has his own little quorum of quimbies as part of the DOGE. Though most are still going through puberty, they have already developed an instinct for who's butt to kiss and how to put aside that childish sense of justice they had only a couple of years ago.

While his big 'brane' was picking up a homing beacon on Mars, Musk kept repeating,
"Waste, and fraud, and abuse, OH MY... waste and fraud, and abuse, OH MY! Trump would reply, "FIRE 'EM, FIRE 'EM, FIRE 'EM!"
It became a call and response,
(Musk) "Waste, and fraud, and abuse, OH MY!"
(Trump) "Rehire, Rehire, REHIRE, right now!"
(Musk) "But waste, and fraud, and abuse, OH MY!"
(repeat)

Cabinet members Rubio (State) and Duffy (Transportation) actually stood up to Musk, complaining that his firings were indiscriminate and destructive. Musk bounced up and down, summoning space lasers to recharge his animatronic head as his eyes rolled back and forth. He defended himself by reminding everyone how great he was and how many multi-billion dollar companies he had already built (and destroyed) in his life. He sniffed that Rubio was “good on TV." Indignant, the cabinet members said they were tired of his "chainsaw" tactics. Mr. Duffy complained about the fired FAA employees, "I have multiple plane crashes to deal with now, and your people want me to fire air traffic controllers?" Musk called him a liar, and it just got better from there.

The king, enjoying pitting his servants against each other, finally halted their wrestling match. He defended Musk, “He’s sacrificing a lot." Yeah, Musk is down to his last $400 billion. Times is hawd, you know. Other cabinet members sank back into their chairs, content with sniffing the sulfurous fumes of the king's digested Taco Bell/KFC combo plate.

A reporter asked if the cabinet was pleased with Musk's directives.
"Is anybody unhappy with Elon?" Trump asked the cabinet, many of whom started laughing, nervously."If you are, we'll throw him out of here. Is anybody unhappy? They have a lot of respect for Elon and that he's doing this!" Inhaling deeply, the cabinet broke out in applause, their noses raised in Trump's direction. It reminded me of Blazing Saddles...

As for Musk, his super PAC aired $1 million worth of ads that said, “Thank you, President Trump." Another dog pressing his nose against the Mango king's booty. He enjoyed kicking a few cabinet quimbies around, but in the end, Musk knows that if he's gonna wreck this country like he has Twitter and Tesla, he better keep sniffin'.

You've no doubt heard about the Oval Office meeting where Trump and Lord of the Hillbilly Quimbies J.D. Vance humiliated Ukraine's President Zelensky. Those in attendance were like a roomful of ferrets, squirming and crawling and spoiling for a chance to debase a national ally. When Trump had gone on at length about how Zelensky was prepared to sign away his nation's mineral rights in repayment of weaponry and financial support, reporters started jumping in, asking about the security agreements that Ukraine needed if they were to agree to a ceasefire. Trump became agitated. Zelensky had to correct him several times over details of their talks. Vice Vance saw an opening and jumped in for a quick potshot at Zelensky.

“I think it’s disrespectful for you to come into the Oval Office to try to litigate this in front of the American media,” Vance scolded. “You should be thanking the president for trying to bring an end to this conflict.” He fluttered his dreamy eyelashes at Trump, the crowd of weasels inhaled the noxious gas in the room.
Trump piled on, “You’re gambling with World War III. And what you’re doing is very disrespectful to the country, this country that’s backed you far more than a lot of people said they should have.”
Vance hissed, “Have you said thank you once?... Offer some words of appreciation for the United States of America and the president who’s trying to save your country?”
The quimbies gasped. Things went so far south that a sulking, disrespected Trump would a short time later throw Zelensky out of the White House.
Lady in Waiting Lindsey Graham would later remark, "I have never been more proud of the president." Only hours before, he had been coaching Zelensky on how to make the deal. Breathe, Lady Lindsey. Understand: it's clear that it is now considered protocol to publicly kiss daddy's big orange butt if you expected to do business with the United States of America. Not interested in doing that? "You're FIRED!"

You will not be surprised to know that the same buddy that tipped me to quimbies and their role within the realm, was one of the funniest humans I've ever known. He worked for years as a copywriter and a creative inside and as a freelancer for advertising agencies. He dealt with lots of corporate clients that had not a creative bone in their bodies. Anyone in marketing, PR, or advertising has experienced the blank expressions exhibited by executives when presented a clever tagline for a corporate brand, or some ad copy reflective of their value add.
"'Just Do It'? What the hell does that have to do with tennis shoes? And what is this silly check mark?"
You learn in the business to smile and nod a lot. Just agree, try to convince the client that this clever reveal was THEIR idea. Kiss a little (or a lotta) butt. Have others in the room congratulate the boss on such cutting-edge greatness. "Was 'Just Do It' your idea Dave? Nice job! That's going to sell some athletic wear!"

In other words, you suppress your ego to get across the finish line. You become... a YesMan.

And so it was that at one Halloween party where colleagues and friends were in attendance, my buddy dressed up as the Superhero, "Yes-Man"! He had little business-style cards printed up with his contact info printed on them along with little slogans:
• "That's a FANTASTIC idea!"
• "Another winner! How do you do it?"
• "You're right! As Always!"
• "Genius! Simply genius!"
• "We're on it, boss!"
• "That's what WE were thinking! Great Minds!"

If you're not a ranking quimby, you better be a YesMan in King Donald's Court. After the Cabinet Meeting of Quims and the Fart Sniffing contest in the Oval Office, the rest of the YesMen army got their chance at the State of the Union Address.

In a spectacular imitation of Trump, Trump gave a State of the Union address (officially a 'speech before a joint session of Congress') that lasted one hour and forty minutes. It was a double album set of his Greatest Lies. He started by comparing his greatness to that of George Washington. He couldn't stop insulting Biden as the worst president ever. “Joe Biden especially let the price of eggs get out of control — and we are working hard to get it back down.” The YesMen in the room applauded. And applauded. Trump praised Musk repeatedly, calling his blunders 'highly successful." He lied about how much "waste" Musk's DOGE team has saved the country, “hundreds of billions of dollars of fraud.” Musk stood up to receive more cheers. Democrats bravely, courageously, and at the risk of their own self-respect, held up little signs on sticks that proclaimed, "Musk Steals."

Trump bragged about his tariffs which are depressing the stock market and hiking inflation. You remember inflation? Joe Biden's inflation? The inflation he would conquer the first days in office? “Tariffs are about making America rich again and making America great again. And it’s happening and it will happen rather quickly. There will be a little disturbance, but we’re OK with that.” The YesMen cheered, USA! USA! USA! Ya gotta wonder how "little disturbed" the billionaire class will be? Will it knock a couple hundred thousand off of their multi-billion dollar portfolios? Will the Trump family be serving Ramen noodles at Mar-a-Lago? Probably a "little disturbance" will mean a little something different to you and me. We may not be "OK with that."

Republicans sounded like a Superbowl crowd as Trump repeated his disdain for all things DEI, affirmative action, and transgender rights. They shouted "YES," TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!" He demanded more money for deportations, and less money for virtually everything else. He wants less immigration... unless you're a white Afrikaner, or you can purchase a golden ticket. Not the Willy Wonka kind, but a Trump "Gold Card." He bragged that he could sell U.S. residency to rich foreigners who could scrape up $5 million for a "Gold Card." (Immigration experts say the 7-figure visa cannot be created without Congress.) "YES! USA! USA!"

The speech went on. And on. And on.
"Our country will be woke no longer."
"TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!" ("YES! YES! YES!")

I kept thinking of the classic Molly Ivins line, referencing Patrick Buchanan’s 1992 Republican Convention speech... “it probably sounded better in the original German.”

"I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!" (-Jack Nicholson's character Melvin Udall in "As Good as It Gets.") A friend of mine wrote that on his social media timeline this week. He was career military and served all over the world including several hot spots. When asked what it meant, he said, "My medication comes from the VA, my VA Disability ruling is in April and is now very uncertain, my first social security check is due Wednesday, my wife’s job is at risk (DOD), and my investment portfolio is under attack….yep I’m a bit stressed." Another vet friend of mine said that there was a rush at the VA to load up on meds, try like hell to schedule appointments, and do as much preventative care as they could in anticipation of a shutdown or degradation in services. I went to lunch with my recently retired NWS buddy this week who reported, "It's so much worse than people are hearing." Years-long projects canceled, computer programming involving miles of code just abandoned, and weather forecasting put into jeopardy.
Most importantly, those hundreds of thousands of DOGE layoffs that have occurred or will happen soon are the ends of careers that will affect hundreds of thousands of households. The ripple effect on the economy will be profound, to say nothing of the psychological impact on those families.

But the remoras continue to school around the Great White Trump, ready to suck up and catch a ride lest they be eaten. The YesMen don their capes and cheer him on. The quimbies proudly sniff away, eager to hide and deny the putrid smell that Trump leaves in his wake.

Look! Up in the sky! They're absurd! They're insane! They're the YesMen of Washington, D.C.!

"Our country will be woke no longer."

I dunno, your Majesty. I think folks are waking up.