Turkeys that Kill*

I am convinced that turkeys have hired a massive PR firm. Every year, there is some new alarm about the danger of eating turkey on Thanksgiving. Apparently, handling nuclear waste is safer than cooking a turkey. Let's review some of the past media panics concerning the holiday's favorite bird:

• Undercooked turkey can contain harmful bacteria, including Salmonella, Campylobacter, and E. coli. You might die.
• In addition to cooking temperature, a turkey that is left thawed too long or one that is thawed improperly allows pathogen growth. You could die.
• Turkey bones are a choking hazard. You'll probably die.
• Leaving a COOKED turkey out too long at room temperature allows for bacterial infiltration and growth. You'll most definitely die, probably from a fatal case of diarrhea.

I'm sure that your holiday home is much like ours... after a fine turkey dinner, friends and relatives start dropping like flies. Face down into their punkin' pie, slumped over the buffet, or never to arise from the sofa where they lay down to take one final nap - Thanksgiving dinners are just lethal. We usually just set the bodies on the curb, relying on the city's coroner trucks to pick them all up on Friday.

This year, a new red flag has been raised. There's another road to a painful, poultry grave. It seems that the "food scientists" have come up with a new scare. Washing your turkey. That's right, rinsing off Big Bird in your sink can be fatal. The TeeVee lady said so! (And btw, what small child when asked "what do you want to be when you grow up, hasn't answered "a food scientist")?

It appears that the the medical community and their media partners were looking for a new, sensational holiday fright. Discussing dangerous brain-eating worms that come from consuming improperly cooked roadkill was getting tiresome, so Dr.s were looking for another story. As they splashed around in their test kitchen with their Friendsgiving turkeys... they made a real mess. Someone said, "I bet this mess has germs." It did, and they ran with it.

So the media went to full freakout. Turkey DefCon 1.

The TeeVee people and food editors are warning us that rinsing your turkey before cooking can spread disease. Pathogens on raw turkey are easily spread to sinks, countertops, and appliances. Eeeeek! Splashing turkey water sends dancing germs all around the kitchen... onto utensils, dishes, and other food. 'It be a mess.' One story I heard warned home cooks that salt shakers and seasoning jars should be thoroughly cleaned off - turkey juices on your hands would surely spread to the spice rack. Freak out!

As usual, people are taking the media cue and acting like Ebola has come to dinner. Fearmongering works. Anecdotes about someone in their family getting sick one year (could it be that entire bottle of Merlot that Aunt Becky put away was the real cause?) There are vows to "cook something different this year!" Well, according to the National Turkey Federation, an estimated 88 percent of Americans consume Thanksgiving turkey each year. That's more than 46 million turkeys eaten on Thanksgiving, so says the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA). And finally, we're hearing, "Let's just go to a restaurant and not worry about it." Have you ever WORKED in a restaurant before? Do you imagine restaurants are as sterile as a surgical suite? A waiter could drop a steak on the floor and you can bet that dinner is going out to the table.

None of these scare stories note that the majority of frozen turkeys come in sealed packages that contain about 10% water (usually a brine solution.) Opening the package spills a lot of liquid, and that has to go somewhere. I prefer not to prep my bird in the yard. I do it over the sink, because, duh, it makes sense with that drain and all.

But: DEATH!

<sigh> What can be done to keep you from being charged with manslaughter the day after Thanksgiving? Here are some quick tips:

• Cook your turkey. No matter how much sushi is in vogue right now, this is not the time for a turkey roll.
• Though Uncle Billy Bob loves his steaks "rare - just walk its ass past the fire and bring it to the table" - all turkey should be served well done. 165° internal temp.
• Wash your turkey in the bathroom. A toilet bowl cleaned with bleach is a perfect place to open your sealed turkey for a quick rinse. The tub is also useful, but perhaps it's too big. <Note to self, inquire about a bidet in next kitchen design.>
• If there is still concern about contamination, use a cajun turkey injector to shoot that bird up with PineSol. Kills germs and gives the turkey a rustic, woodsy flavor.

Just cook the damn thing.

"Oh for heaven's sake" as granny would say. It's just not that hard to make a great turkey dinner. Unpack that thing, drain it, put it on a rack. Smear a bunch of butter under the skin if you prefer, and then throw some salt, pepper and garlic powder over it. Put foil over it, or better yet, one of those cooking bags. Or do it how your granny taught you. You WERE paying attention back then, weren't you? Because granny is gone, and it's your turn to pass along a tradition of great family meals. Throw it in a 325° oven and wait for that little red plastic popper to pop up. (Or use a meat thermometer and plunge it deep into the thigh and/or breast and let the internal temp go to 165°.)

Surely granny taught you how to make gravy. If not, what are you doing here? Why are you in the kitchen? Can you call yourself a Texan? Make some damn gravy!

And you're gonna need a lot of it to slosh over that 40 lb. bag of potatoes you mashed and mixed with several lbs of butter and cream.. Did your granny do "dressing" or "stuffing"? Well then just do it. Make everyone else bring those sides.

Thanksgiving cooking is easy. Look up some recipes online. Paula Dean is a good place to start. Remember her? Sure she's a bit racist and crawled away in disgrace. But the lady knew how to wield her butter. Or you can go a full Martha Stewart if you're feeling a bit bougie and are looking for some insider trading tips while you stuff your bird.

Just don't spare the butter. The late, great Anthony Bourdain explained that it was the secret to professional cooking: just keep the butter coming. "By the time you leave a good restaurant, you 've probably put away a stick+ of butter."

But the older I get, the more I appreciate this old chestnut. it originally appeared on the website "awkwardfamilyphotos.com." It used to provide a laugh at the absurdity of it all. But these days? After cooking holiday dinners for decades? I think Marney has a point.

Not too long ago, someone tracked down the real Marney for an interview, and she doesn't disappoint.

Final and most Important Tip

Are you still worried about salmonella? Campylobacter? Clostridium perfringens? Are you wondering if I just made up "Clostridium perfringens"? Are you concerned about making your frail Aunt Dolly sick? Are you thinking that it's just you're luck that this will be the year forever known as "the Thanksgiving that Mama tried to kill us all"?

Then forget the turkey. Don't worry about that lumpy AF gravy. The potatoes can be eaten another time. And does anyone really, REALLY like that stupid green bean casserole?

The hell with everything else, just get to the pies. Bring 'em out. Cut 'em. Get the Cool Whup™ and dollop that stuff all over the place.

Best Thanksgiving. Ever.

And no one died.

Remember, the most dangerous thing on the Thanksgiving table this year is that bowl of carrots from Trader Joe's. Really.

*We had a little fun here... a little silliness. Making fun of the media hype surrounding food poisoning at Thanksgiving. It's sometimes hard to take endless, ultra-hyped, over-sensationalized news stories seriously. BUT... yeah, it can be a problem. Every year in the U.S., an estimated one in six people (or 48 million) get sick, 128,000 become hospitalized, and 3,000 die from foodborne diseases, per the CDC.

It's just that I assume that "Outlaw" readers actually cook their turkeys before they eat them.

But seriously, stay away from the carrots.